Thursday, May 31, 2012

It's 11:00 p.m. on the night before everything changes...

The kids and I had a great day, and we spent a really special evening together - the last one before they leave for their summer visit with their Dad next week.  After they were in bed, I completed my Biblical allusion assessment & rubric.  Tomorrow, my first graduate school class begins at 8:30 am at Mississippi College in Clinton.  What's on my mind?

The past six years have been bad enough to be worthy of Dante or V.C. Andrews.  My life has resembled a Lifetime movie more than anything else.  There have been times over that six years that I have become depressed & discouraged and wanted to give up, but I've always just fought through it and moved on.  Now, after four years of turmoil and two years of healing that felt like stagnation, I can see the pattern when I start looking back.  I can see how all those horrible things were really just stones in the brook.  When I was standing in that moment - on the proverbial "stone" - it felt like one of the circles of hell, and I wondered if God was listening or if He was otherwise occupied. 

Now, I'm nearing the other side of that particular brook, and looking back, I can see the nasty events for what they were:  stepping stones.  As bad as they were, I could not be who I am in THIS moment had it not been for the hell that hit me in THAT one.  I don’t mean to be vulgar in using the term “hell;” I mean it literally.  I truly believe that sometimes God allows the forces of hell to attack a human being for a purpose – one that He probably isn’t going to reveal to us on this side of eternity.  (If you don’t believe that, see the book of Job.  I think it’s pretty clear there.)  In those moments when I wanted to give up, that was certainly a choice that was before me.  I COULD have given up, given in, thrown in the towel, and decided to turn my back on what I have always believed…what I’ve always been…in favor of what felt good in the moment.  After all, that’s pretty much what the OTHER people involved in those particular crises were doing…

But I didn’t.  I kept going.  Imperfectly, sure.  But I kept moving forward, as much as I could.  Now, looking at the moments – the stones in the brook – I can say I’m thankful to have been through them, and now I am thankful to be leaving them behind.   I’ve crossed this brook with God’s help, with my hand firmly held in His.  Now, I’m ready for the next step on the journey of faith.  Bring on tomorrow: as long as He’s with me, it will be okay.

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