Friday, April 14, 2017

Changing Seasons...

It's been a long time since I've written anything.  And I do mean anything.  There was a time when writing was something I felt compelled to do daily, almost like eating.  And then somewhere along the way, seasons changed.

My inspirational life with a toddler and an engaging young daughter faded into something that felt a lot more like work. The young daughter became and tween and then a teen, and parenting got "real" in ways not entirely pleasant. I got a graduate degree. Changed jobs.  Twice.  Found a renewed passion for music expressed in a new way.  And then I found love again.  Seasons have continued to change.

This current season has been wonderful and also a little challenging.  My family is blended and wonderful.  I remember the night before our ceremony, I sat in my living room and thought just how much everything was about to change.  It has, but it's been easier than I had worried.  We are finding a new rhythm, and I'm so grateful for it.  I had wonderful years as a single Mom.  I'm having even better ones as the Mom in a reconstructed family.  I'm blessed with a loving, patient man who is my spiritual leader and teammate.  Still pinching myself to believe it's real, but I'm so thankful it is.

At 41, I've realized that my career is probably where it's going to end up.  Any big dreams I had on that front have faded.  I will be a teacher of lower high school grades, and I have to accept that.  I wish I could tell you that was the dream come true I'd always wanted. It isn't.  But I can learn to be content.  What it does mean is that teaching is no longer the massive, passionate creative outlet it once was.  With older kids, parenting really isn't either.  The 10 and 15 year old don't want carpet picnics in the living room anymore.  (I've shed some tears over that while tearfully looking at other mother's precious babies on Facebook.  But seasons change, and mine has...those golden early days have faded.  It is well, because it must be.)

So last night, after the supper was cooked and eaten, I left the teenager cleaning the kitchen (there are a few perks to this age 😉) and went outside to talk to Jesus where it was quiet. I didn't really have a coherent prayer, just a thought.... It's not that I'm not thankful, Lord, but I'm at loose ends. I need to create something.  I need to feel like something I do matters. And I'm not feeling that so much right now.  And He gently reminded me of this long ago blog, where I shared the hardest moments of my life and found something beautiful in the process.

So here I am today.  Writing as therapy again.  Not sure what it means or where it's going.  I'm not sure there's an audience for anything I have to stay in this stage.  But it's been my experience as the parent of a teenager that it can be a pretty lonely time for mothers if you aren't in the extroverted, club-Mom group, which this introvert certainly is not.  I do know a thing or two about loneliness.  So, here I am.  For whatever the next season brings, I will do my best to learn the lessons along the road, and to share a little along the way.