Friday, July 14, 2017

Why toddler posts make me cry and other ephemera...

Lately I've become a victim of Facebook envy.  I stare at my newsfeed watching all the cute pictures of toddlers and their Moms scroll by.  I "like" their pictures.  Sometimes I "love" them.  And behind it all, I'm envying where they are...

I remember being in that phase of parenting, and I remember how hard it felt.  I'm not discounting the difficulties you have: sleep deprivation, the press of small bodies constantly needing something, trying to figure out how to balance it all.  Yes, it's hard.  Very hard some days.  So hard, in fact, that you can often don't see the blessings in front of you.  Looking back, I know I didn't.  And (thank you "On this Day" button) I often find myself wishing for a time machine so that I could have a do over and care less about the stuff that didn't matter.

And to that end, I am trying very hard to make the most of this season of parenting.  Of where I am right now.  But - NO SURPRISE - it's very difficult.  Most days, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.  The really difficult part about this stage though is that joy seems harder to find.  The problems can't be fixed with a hug and kiss.  Ice cream no longer mends fences.  And I want to go backward, because right here hurts and looking forward to the next step of motherhood is just dog-gone scary.

I've spent the last fifteen plus years being a Mom.  This morning, reading back through some of my old blog posts, my eyes teared up as I remembered the early days.  And I found myself truly, deeply missing them. So much.  Because back then, the hard things were things I could count on coming to an end.  They were fixable.  Now, I look at my almost-grown-up daughter, and I can't believe the time is gone.  I can't believe that my days of announcing a trip to McDonalds WITH the play place are finished.  Life was hard, but connecting wasn't.  It happened with bed time stories and kisses and hugs.  It happened with quick trips out that cost little and netted much.

Now, it's harder to blog about being a Mom.  It's harder to post fun pictures that capture our lives.  Because while life isn't as hard as it once was...connecting is harder.  Much harder.  And all too often, the day ends and it hasn't happened.

I want to make the most of this season.  Somehow.  Not sure how.  :)   But crying over the toddler pictures probably isn't going to do much to accomplish that goal.  So, for now, I keep trying until I find the magic formula.  I promise (myself mostly, since this blog is really for me, lol) that the next post will be much more up-lifting. For this week though, real life is at the forefront.  #transparency